it’s been a while, friends.
i think i’ve been afraid to visit this wide open space for some time. i have a lot to say, just not a lot of bravery to say it with. there have been a lot of stressors in my profession, my current living situation, and the grey area where the two meet.
stress makes me crawl into a hole, hide within my own thoughts and realities.
it’s a miserable place to be, this black hole of uncertainty and fear. my coping skills are dwindling. and i’m terrified that the one thing that saves me, time after time – it no longer exists.
i do not have a safe place. i’ve never had a safe place since i walked away with my degree and left the Hobbit Hole. i need a safe place. and i don’t have one. i would pay large sums of money to have a place to call my own. and without it? it is tearing my soul apart, leaving me to lay awake in the morning with dangerous thoughts etching away at the minutes of alone time.
[hooray, it is raining right now. i need to hear that. to know that i am not alone, and that i always have a safe place in the realm of jesus. i need to be reminded that these stressors are not all that there is: there is more going on than what meets the eye]
i feel like a failure in multiple areas of my life. and if you’ve had the chance of carrying on an in-depth conversation with me, you would likely figure out that i am my own worst critic. so this mass of feeling like a failure? it’s big. real big. it sucks a lot of my ability to function as a human.
i don’t know what to do. i’m at a loss of words. so i’m coming, reluctantly to this big empty space to attempt to find something, anything to help me cope.