sleep and writing. two precious freedoms that have been hiding their vitality from me.
honest truth. my life alternates – out cold for 16 hours and maybe a three-hour nap the next, between sleeping all day long and not sleeping at night; lying awake, counting down the hours til it is acceptable to go for a run. my moments are spent flipping between Netflix and blank word documents, oodles of time with the former. i have lost the joy of many things – including creativity at the drawing board or the stove top.
i wonder if i can continue to do my job well. replays of my nights work are shouting in my head, vying for my attention, looking for any moments when i messed up, causing fear to swell up like a helium balloon in my stomach. i lay at night, surrounded by my pillows, but alone, fearful of many things.
i said it.
i live in fear.
not a pretty sentence, right there.
i am ashamed of it because i used to never have fear. i used to live life recklessly, soaking up the bits of marinara with warm bread. but now, i spend it rigid and taunt, checking my back at every turn.
and it sucks. i hate it. i wonder each day if my job is worth all this. if what i do is worth this – the sleepless nights, the fear, the exhaustion, the stress.
i have seen more sunrises these past few months than i have my entire life. i’m more of a once-a-year pilgrimage to the early streaks of light; not on the daily. a majority of my runs have occurred during these strange hours: my mind awake, body weary, earth sleepy. and it is in these runs, fighting my exhaustion with rhythmic beats of my feet, i am only comforted by the truth that god promises – he speaks to my palpating heart –
just as the sun comes up each morning, my words ring true.
just. just. just. when i doubt the authenticity of his words, i hang circumstances over his promises, he gives me days of darkness, nights of fear, to force me into seeing his sunrises. he sits with me in the hours as i blubber my emotions out to him and instead of silence, he gives. He graciously gives his promises, his truth, his strengths, his joy, his beauty, his grace, his mercy, his reckless pursuit of me.
he is jealous for me
is it worth it? is this job worth the darkness and sunrises? is the waiting worth his promises?
as deep calls out to deep, the answer is yes.
the waiting, the heartache, the anticipation, the fear, the endless moments of darkness, are all worth the promise of him. he calls me beloved and i need not fear, because he conquered death and he still does. i celebrate in the darkness that the darkness will not last forever and the sun will rise. the sun will rise. peaks of light will overcome the fog of darkness.
in all the darkness, there is still a sunrise coming. in all the stress, there is still a fighting hope. in the valley, there is still a dance of joy.