there is a storm happening right now.


i am cuddled under a million blankets, channeling my basic girl in leggings and a flannel, with christmas lights as a backdrop, and Ben Howard as an eardrop. its the perfect situation to take my restless mind and vomit it into the English language.


there is something about October, something so reverend. something so strange.


the colors that paint the background of phones help mask the obvious: that the trees, the earth, the farmland are dying. that in a couple of weeks, the background of the horizon will be bare branches and remnants of the rusty harvest.




October reminds me of my own humanity, of my own limitations.


especially with moments as of late.


my body hasn’t been taking this fall too well. my muscles have been aching more, my joints crying out in deep waters, my brain a little bit more foggy, my eyesight has even started to diminish, nausea comes and goes in stronger waves, my sleep requirements are more extensive, all sacred reminders of my humanity.


i work each day to save lives and come home and realize that even my life will be finite.




i love rain. i love storms. i love colorful forests and grey skies and shorter nights and longer pants.


in this moment he knew that i needed a thrilling combination of an autumn storm.


in an attempt to control everything in my life, he gave me a gift that i couldn’t control. i can’t control the weather or when the branches say goodbye to their leaves. but he can. and he is a god who hears my cries and sees my pain and remembers. in my moments of need, he gives me what he only he can.


peace amidst a finite world.




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