i just needed to cry. to let it out. to scream through tears and and a blotched face. to release something, anything, that resembles an emotion.
lately, i haven’t been feeling those enough.
here’s what happens when you try to force things out of me: i shut down. i get quiet. i get inside my head and remind myself that the only safe place in this world is within me. it’s not my mother’s house, it’s not my favorite trail, my favorite coffee shop, the bookstore, or the hum of my car.
and then you want to know what’s wrong. you continue to push and prod into the inner workings of my mind: a dangerous trek if you dare to embark. it’s dark, at times hollow, void of any feeling.
let me be. let me go to my safe place.
i wish it was my house. but it’s not. i wish it was “my person”, but it’s not. i wish it was work, but everything gets carried in there with me. i wish i could run and run and run away the anxiety, pounding the fear with every step i take, but i’m only human.
i can’t sleep much anymore. too much thought and limited avenues of trust. so i shut down. mind my own business. stay quiet.
“what’s off with you?” you ask
so i turn on Ben Howard to drown out the feelings, remind myself with each run that physical pain is much better than emotional scarring.
and it’s my kyptonite, the same thought process that i battle for years and years in the form of a eating demon.
i don’t want to let it win. i don’t want to to succumb to everything i have fought for.
so i scream in the form of tears.