what my heart beats for

 

i poured my heart over the last blog post. i fostered up thoughts i never knew existed until they were named.

 

what a catharsis – that night.

 

in the strange jazz of the quiet room, the rhythmic strokes of the keys hushed the fisting beats of my heart. when my fears were named, written, composed, they subsided. my anxiety was no longer the mighty, but a passing word in the breeze.

 

but it didn’t last.

 

so on my early dawn run, i named it again. and again. again.

 

until i no longer believed that fear held the final story, until i no longer had the urge to hide myself under the weight of the world.

 

i wish that these were the last words. that i never struggle with thoughts of anxiety about my job or my life. but it happened again tonight. tonight my heart fluttered faster and i felt the warm fuzz of fear crawl from my toes into my head.

 

i thought i was stronger than this. i thought i could handle this job. my life. the people i interact with on the daily.

 

last night, i was called a “mother-f*&@ing b^$)! who has glitter on her mustache” and “too young to know anything” by one, another lied to my face and sent their family on a rampage which i know i will be called into the office next week for, a near-miss error that i had to report to my supervisor, and endless other difficulties that questioned by sanity and ability to thrive in this environment.

 

lord, have mercy. christ, have mercy. 

 

i love my work. i love my field of expertise. but i wonder if what i do is enough, if i am doing enough to be a professional in my field and to gain respect of those around me. where have i gone wrong.

 

i define myself by my failures. i orient myself to my circumstances. i remind myself of my shortcomings. and i use these things to fuel me into being better, to becoming a more equipped professional, a stronger worker, a blistering feminist.

 

no wonder i have anxiety. no wonder my heart beats fast. no wonder sleep has been hidden from me.

 

still, my heart beats for my line of duty. my heart loves and longs for these people i serve. i serve them because they are human.

 

life sucks: here’s some respect and dignity.

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